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Kevin Cummings

I am a dastardly figure, often seen wrestling grizzly bears and refinishing hardwood floors. I have been known to save kittens from burning houses on my lunch breaks, taking them to orphanages for the blind afterwards. I translate ethnic slurs for Ethiopian refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I lock myself in public bathrooms for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike dulcimer playing, I can pilot a jet aircraft up a severe incline with blacking out, but I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 45 minutes. I am an expert in hanging sheet rock, a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and an outlaw in Columbia.

Using only a rake and a large glass of sweet tea, I once defended a small village, single handed, in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious pygmies. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Atlanta Braves in high school, I am the subject of numerous unheard of documentaries. When I'm bored, I build miniature nuclear reactors in my back yard. I enjoy urban base jumping. On Wednesdays, after I read to blind children, I repair old VCR's free of charge.

I am an scuba diving instructor, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless loan shark. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of velvet under wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured Finland with a traveling circus. I can bench press 415. My amazingly deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, implicitly. And rightfully so.

I can hurl steel folding chairs at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to run in the Boston Marathon that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the NSA. I sleep once a week for 68 hours; and when I sleep, I sleep in a rocking chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of Russian gangsters who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Most of the time.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all unpaid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact Mixed Martial Arts contests. Years ago through ancient Buddhist teachings I discovered the meaning of life but forgot it. Then I remembered it again, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning platypuses. I have won bullfights in Las Vegas, cliff-diving competitions in Berlin, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Macbeth, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis and the 14th Dalai Lama. And I'm only 34 years old.

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  • Nashville, TN, United States
  • Member for 1 year, 8 months
  • 16 profile views
  • Last seen Feb 25 at 4:34

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