Member for 6 years, 2 months
Last seen more than 2 years ago
Nashville, TN, United States
I am a dastardly figure, often seen wrestling grizzly bears and refinishing hardwood floors. I have been known to save kittens from burning houses, taking them to orphanages for the blind afterwards. I translate ethnic slurs for Ethiopian refugees and write award-winning operas.
I can woo any women with my sensuous and godlike dulcimer playing, I can pilot a jet aircraft up a severe incline with blacking out, but I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 45 minutes because I am a perfectionist. I am a master at hanging and mudding sheet rock, I have a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and I am an outlaw in Columbia.
Using only a rake, a kazoo, and a Glass of "Sweet Tea", I once defended a small village, single handed, in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious cannibalistic pygmies. I play bluegrass on the bongos, I was scouted by the Atlanta Braves in high school because I can throw the nastiest curveball you have ever seen, although my fastball is 62 m.p.h. I am the subject of numerous unheard of documentaries. When I'm bored, I build miniature nuclear reactors in my basement. On Wednesdays, after I read to blind children, I repair old VCR's free of charge.
I can hurl steel folding chairs at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to watch the Boston Marathon that evening (which I thoroughly enjoyed). I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the NSA and NASA. I sleep once a week for 68 hours; and when I sleep, I sleep in my 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, though I own three mansions. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully defeated a group of Russian gangsters who had seized a small bakery. For this I was awarded The Governor General's Fencing Award. The laws of physics do apply to me.
All my bills are all unpaid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in Professional Wrestling house shows under the name "The Purple Bastard". Years ago through ancient Buddhist teachings I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot it. Then I remembered, wrote it down, and lost that. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning platypuses. I have won bullfights in Las Vegas and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis and the 14th Dalai Lama.
I am a ruthless loan shark. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of designer suspenders. I receive fan mail... often. Last summer I toured Malaysia with a traveling circus as a knife thrower. I can hack squat 1,200 lbs. But my bench press is 225. My amazingly deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, implicitly. And rightfully so. I was short listed to receive the Man Booker Award, but lost by 2 votes. But, I won the Guggenheim award for "Most Honest and Humble Man".