First of all, you cannot really expect the remake to capture the cult factor of the original. In 2012 you can't expect this movie to be the hilarious "Verhoeveny" 80s/90s Arnie vehicle that the original is. A large factor to Total Recall's attraction nowadays comes not only from being a gripping science-fiction action movie with an interesting story about memory distortion, but also largely due to its appeal as an entertaining Arnie movie with the usually exaggeratedly trashy/hilarious effects expected from Paul Verhoeven. While the remake tries to capture the former aspects (and IMHO largely succeeds in this endeavour), it neither can't nor wants to capture the latter aspects. It is an (IMHO entertaining) modern science-fiction action blockbuster with some interesting ideas (e.g. the whole Fall concept) and an appealing (even if not overly unique) visual style (that might in its best moments even be a little reminiscent of Blade Runner), not less but also not more.
That being said, let's take a look at the specific scenes you mentioned:
- The story is neither set on Mars (but on a largely devastated earth split into two societies) nor is it a "Verhoeveny" 1990 flick, as said, so no hilariously trashy eyeball effects.
The three-breasted woman is indeed in the remake, albeit at an earlier part in the story (WARNING: picture contains nudity):
- Mutants (let alone aliens) don't play much of a role in this movie if I remember correctly, so no weird stomach mutants either.
The famous "two weeks lady" is paid tribute in the remake but in a slightly different and, as fitting to the overall style of the movie less hilarious, form. The full-body disguise is a bit different and more hologram-based than suit-based, but a woman similar to the "two weeks lady" has a little cameo, as can also be seen in this clip from the movie: